[ #7391 ]
[ #7391 ]
[ #7391 ]
[ #7391 ]
2022-11-28

Beginnings

When I was younger I was interest in photography before I had the chance to play around with cameras. I'm not sure what it was that was enticing, but I adored wildlife photography. A lovmae of animals and wanting to capture their beauty combined. I would take disposable cameras and use all of the shots capturing nothing and nonsense. Eventually we got a digital point and shoot and I would go around "trying to be a photographer", with no real idea what I'm doing and without any real equipment. But it was fun looking and clicking.

Wildlife photography is a bit of a pipe dream, with a high barrier for entry in equipment that other forms don't need to rely on. As a teen I started finding out about street photography and watching early youtubers capturing their process. This was the dream, the same level of organic moment-seeking but more readily accessible in location and context without being so equipment bound. But I had zero confidence, without a camera or with. I bought cameras I wouldn't use, eventually getting to being able to being able to venture out once in a blue moon to go and photograph in isolated places, alone where nobody would see or judge me, the weirdo with the camera. I knew I loved photography, but not how I was practicing it and had no idea how to improve.

Learning to be human

Cut to some years later and being a more confident person but still an amateur photographer I could finally work myself up towards shooting in public. Not shooting people, but at least could walk around with a camera in hand and not care about being seen as an oddball, I was past that. Some of the photography love in my heart was finally filling up. But I was still asocial, nervous and anxious about a lot without any real confidence.

I gained a skillset and a style and a joy for the camera in static urban settings, for odd geometry lighting and composition and found objects but never got to exploring that burn for street photography. And I had gained a different skillset, one that took more time and effort, of being a socally confident, cheerful person with love for strangers around her and the willingness and ability to have consistent positive interactions. I had gently worked my way up to being able to request and encourage people to be subjects of portraits but the places I ended up being around were often so suburban or life-sparse that to take a camera out would feel intrusive.

Khlong Toei Market

Bangkok has a bunch of thriving markets and I read about one in chinatown, some late night at 2am. The weekend arrived, I had the camera in bag and decided to visit. And had no idea what I had actually read online some weekday night, went in the wrong direction and took a moped ride to somewhere totally around nothing and then picked the nearest market I could find on my phone. Which happened to be Khlong Toei Market, the largest wet market in the city.

It was really exciting and interesting, being someone who doesn't eat meat and hasn't been in that kind of environment for some years. But I was also so excited for the opportunity to take out the camera after a couple of months being in the middle of some nowheres, to be surrounded by life and have the chance to capture it. And to figure out this brand new medium that I had admired for so long.

I started out being unable to stand still whilst taking shots. I don't have a lot of nerves in most situations but had no idea of the practical limitations of my presence, of what was acceptable and comfortable for the environment without being intrusive. It wasn't really working out. With the style I've developed I almost always stick to apeture priority. Doing this with a focus on composition lets you work the physical limitations of the hardware (the depth of field) in your favour, with the shortcomings of exposure being salvageable in editing.

It wasn't really working. The restless movement and the shutter speed with the lighting conditions meant a lot of blurry shots, and I wasn't paying enough attention to the environment to make the most of all the organic moments. As waiting for the shutter caused missed shots, and it settling on a slow speed whilst navigating some of the dimmer lighting conditions resulted in lots of blur, I switched to and gained a love for shutter priority which I haven't had much cause to rely on before.

I quickly learnt that most of what I had done in the past had been kind of "two dimensional". With capturing static or predictable scenes, you navigate the environment to find what you want in it and then line it up, and optionally wait for something to happen. Each part is its own iteration and you can go at your own pace. A lively environment like a market is more "three dimensional". Time is continuous and creates slices of things that will come and go, creating organic moments that get lost to time within seconds.

After opening my eyes a bit more I discovered a new subject love. Transactions. Money, goods changing hands. Markets working with physical currency and most of the units here being paper money meant those moments were frequent and interesting. I wasn't able to capture much of it but they fun to watch.

There were some technical issues early on too. It's never happened before but my camera was taking around half the shots completely black. The ones that survived were totally regular, no issues, but there were a few sequences of four or five completely black shots. I don't know what could do this. When it happened my brain said "what a perfect excuse to finally get a mirrorless!" but it resolved itself after a while. It's a shame to lose the earliest ones because I wanted to better review where I was going wrong with not achieving the shots I was looking for. And some probably nice ones got lost in the middle, but it's okay.

I only have one lens, a 35mm prime on this crop sensor. It's nice to be compelled to really get into the moment, but even this lens and its effectively-50mm meant that it was hard to capture wide. It was only later on that I started being fully conscious of where I should be stood relative to subjects. If I were going to buy a new camera I would probably choose something effectively-35mm, and a second zoom lens (maybe for those wildlife dreams some day).

My style is favouring a lot of directly front-on or side-on shots, finding strong vertical or horizontal lines directly parallel to the frame. The market rows were perfect for this. As I got more used to the environment, and more comfortable with standing still for longer periods to see shots more clearly, I found a lot of spaces to stand between the market stalls and capture from the side. The vendors were very skilled and efficient in what they've spent so long doing, perfecting the process of.

Another distinct thing I do, and I find a bit of a peeve with some other photographers, is favour low eyeline steadily parallel to the ground. Many street photographers, especially over the last few years as content creation culture grows, are tall cis guys. When they shoot at their natural eye level it feels to me like the shot doesn't exist within the scene, that it towers over it and is like an external presence peeking in. It makes cis women photography look immediately distinct even when they shoot in the same way, at their eye level, because they average shorter. Developing my skillset and being a bit tall at ~180cm I take the time when shooting static scenes to crouch or lie down. That isn't an option here which meant keeping the camera at chest level. I worried about this looking like I was trying to sneak shots instead of being frank. It also made figuring out composition a little bit of a longer process since trial and error are further apart. And this compounds with the tight field of view in this environment, where there's not a lot of wiggle room for error leading to some lost shots (or creative aspect ratios in editing).

I wanted to capture some of the live produce but don't want to misrepresent it, or my thoughts or feelings on it. I could easily take some shocky, gorey type shots but I wouldn't want to. It was also hard see how to represent some of the subjects, like the live fish in shallow tubs of water and the live poultry. I only took a few of these shots when it felt right.

I love children as subjects but it can be difficult to know where a line of consent is. There were only a few children in the market and the shots I took were comfortable (one parent ushered her kids to pose). There were some cats too, beautiful and relaxing. It would have been nice to capture more of them but the shots didn't turn out.

I adore exploring lighting and there were some beautiful ways the market was composed. All of the hanging lights were white, but set up underneath the rows of red umbrellas and coverings that cast a red glow over everything. Many of the rows were set up like this.

I learnt so much and had a fantastic time. The dropped shots weren't dampening at all, I gained confidence moving around a different space, learnt how to be more adaptable with the technical aspects when time is limiting and variation in scenes is frequent, gained a better recognition of when and how to quickly position myself in the environment. And most importantly, had some nice moments. Nobody has ever told me I have a "friendly face" but I think I do? At least, with a camera or without, I never have problems exchanging smiles with strangers.

2022-11-27

wake up late again. because i went to sleep at 5am again. but it's fine. my stomach is larger. like noticeably. and there's pain i don't understand. is it the muscles underneath, workout soreness, or weight gain? trying not to worry. after gym i decide to get a protein shake instead of fruit, i'm still worrying about protein. not even from a workout perspective but just, i know what maintenance is and there's no way I'm getting even that. the 7-11 has a few flavours of affordable plant-based protein drinks, i get plain soya.

last night was looking at places on maps to go and i saw there was an area with a few temples and a live food market. it's too late for temples (they all close at 3pm and this was around 2) but i brought the camera and want to see the market. i take the phone out of my bag and the top and bottom metal plates kind of ... fall off. the phone is falling apart. it's probably a little less waterproof now and the screen is still flickering but it's alive with a healthy battery.

the market is a distance away so use one of the ride and delivery apps around here. there are taxis, discounted by-women-for-women taxis, SUVs, but one of the options is a bike and it's cheap, like 3-5x less than a taxi. arranging a pickup is simple and a driver is arrives within a minute. i'm a bit worried about my ankle-length skirt getting caught in something. get on the back of the moped and have a great time. i can't ride but have wanted to learn, and haven't been on the back of a bike since i was a child. something on my todo list has been the next time i'm in the uk and with £1k spare (loooolllll) to do a week long crash course, but was always too worried about health which isn't so much of a problem now. mental note to bump that up. the ride is enjoyable and so cheap, at less than $2 to cover 3.5km.

but i picked a spot too far out so walk a mile back to get to the market. the smell is immediate, there are live birds in cages and every stall is fresh meat, dead birds, live fish being prepared. i take the camera out and that's going to be a whole separate post but, fuck, i love photography. there were some camera issues, at the start around half of the shots came up completely black, i can't think why. probably lost some good ones but it didn't matter, i had a blast walking around for a couple of hours and learnt so much. eventually compell myself to leave after walking around a few times. there's a milk tea stand. it's like a third of the price of the ones closer to where i'm staying, with more options so i say screw it. white malt bubble tea.

start to walk back instead of getting a ride since there's a park on the way i haven't seen. it's a long walk. i've had blisters on my feet for the last few days, like horrendously gross bad ones but thankfully they're not in positions that have impacted anything. after a couple of miles of "i think this is the right road" reach into my bag to get the phone, pull the zipper and it comes straight off. fuck. the fabric around the end had come loose a couple of weeks ago and i've been trying to find a sewing kit to put it right before this happened. everything is falling apart today. sit and try for around 20 minutes to fix the zipper but don't think i can do it without pliers. it's fine, move everything into a different pocket, it's okay.

eventually i look at the map, turn around from walking in the wrong direction. sit at a shrine whilst there are a lot of people making offerings. earlier i was thinking, if i were to invent some rituals for some society, what would i pick? it would involve give and take. i started thinking that handmade bead jewelry (bracelets, necklaces) would be good with a convention that before and after times of day, children would be able to take them. it offers locals and tourists to still engage in commerce, the items are non-perishable, and they get passed down to create memories. wondered if maybe the same thing could be done with non-perishable food. dried fruit that people in need could take after dark?

make it to the shopping mall. i've already had two big high calorie drinks, if i'm going to have something else before dinner it should be solid, but i'm dehydrated so decide to try one of the pomegranite drinks that are sold around here. all the stalls that sell them look the same, and all the bottles too, i think it must be a kind of franchise. i had been avoiding these because pomegranite is high sugar but it's a 250ml bottle and tastes watered down which i appreciate. sit for half an hour or so.

on the way back to the apartment look inside a 7-11 to see if this one has a sewing kit (i've looked in a few this week). they do!. buy that. it's 7:30pm now, too late to eat before dinner but there's a tiny "grass jelly drink" i'm too curious about. fuck. so many liquid calories.

back to the apartment, start processing the photos, having a good time with them. leave to eat and get to another indian restaurant at 11pm, this time directly across the street from the previous one. intend to start with a black coffee but immediately say "milk coffee". fuck. why. okay. fine. order the rajma masala which has beans. think "i know what i'm doing!" and order a roti for it without being prompted. yes i'm learning, such a genius.

they bring the side dishes as i drink the coffee, they bring the roti, they bring the curry, i know what i'm doing. they bring the rice - wait what? no no no this wasn't in the script. roti and rice? this is too much. but i don't ask for a knife and eat the roti with my hands. and kind of just figure it out. they're much more easy-going here and during their checkups (both restaurants asked how things were practically every bite) don't question anything i'm doing. i didn't figure out what you're actually supposed to do with the chili or onions without a knife so i just kind of pull them apart and throw them in. after i mix all the onion in (it's probably like a whole small onion) the server asks if i need more? i say no thank you, i don't have a clue. and with the rice there's so much here. i can feel it in my stomach, i don't like this feeling.

but i had it in my head that i was going to order a lassi tonight. why? i don't know. i was so full. but i ordered it anyway. was going to get the spiced one but asked for salted. my brain has too many different tracks and i never know which one will leave the mouth. so full. when i ordered it the waitress asked "you like indian food, [since] you ordered the lassi?". this is just my second time, i say. they all give big genuinely beaming smiles every time i compliment the meal.

walked around for an hour through some back alleys. end up passing the gym, i didn't even know the way i was walking could lead here? need to look it up on maps since it would probably be quicker with intent than the route i take. feel so full. my stomach is so visibly big and this skirt shows it so atrociously. throughout the day figured that my stomach pain probably is core muscles, but that still doesn't detract from my stomach being actually very much larger. trying not to worry. failing.

2022-11-26

Woke up late again oops. this 5-6am to 10-11am sleep stuff needs to stop soon, losing so much time. why does it take me so long to get ready? noticed a stall with dragon fruit right next to the gym so afterwards decided to get some to hydrate. there was a lot of it, this was a whole one but it's okay. plastic culture is crazy here and makes me feel bad. i had to ask for the plastic tray of fruit to not be put in a plastic bag. everything comes in plastic. people are tidy about throwing it away but i don't know what the recycling systems are like here. i worry.

started walking towards the art fair i read about yesterday. took a detour through a park nearby and saw a komodo dragon. they're absolutely beautiful. and a little bit scary because i don't know their limits. one was napping safely in a tree and i looked away for a few seconds and when i turned back it was slowly wandering towards me. my cue to get off the bench and keep walking :')

got a bit lost at an intersection but made it eventually. the fair was a perfect little indie publication gathering, lots of zines, stickers, buttons, illustrations, and some other craftwork. i haven't been around any physical indie art in forever, this was refreshing.

there was another indoor area focused on published print work and they had a Q&A session going on in the middle of the room, in thai but the conversation looked energetic and interesting. as i walked around a few sellers started talking to me in english about their work. one had published a few visual books including one he described as about addiction (I saw 'game addiction' in the contents but missed the rest), and another on early noughties media. and some things like journaling games.

made the same walk back after spending a while there, by the time i was near the apartment it around 5pm and it was the first time i had seen an organised offering at a shrine i'm near often. it was lively, filled with people and i got a couple of nice shots with my phone that made me miss photography. i've barely taken the camera out over the last few months. mental note to carry it tomorrow. there's lots of plastic waste and waste in general at the shrine. i don't know if anybody wonders or worries about what the deities think of this.

walk to the shopping mall to sit and everyone is carrying the same brand of energy drink. they're giving them out for free. i get handed one, it's 'original', i see a big 50 on the front. i used to never drink liquid calories ever, except protein/meal shakes, and now i can manage sweetened milk and soya drinks but still worry about them, and would never have a soft drink with added sugar. tempted to leave the can but wasting a free thing is disordered. i put it in my bag, will try to drink it later.

but because milk drinks are 'okay' and because i'm trying to have a bunch of different things i order a purple yam bubble tea from a nearby stall. they're out of that so i get mixed berry. i try not to get fruit-flavoured things that aren't actual fruit but it's fine. the bubbles are fun. getting the individual bubbles (tapioca?) is time consuming and soothes my brain, it feels fine.

dinner would be soon but i think i should have something solid beforehand since it's just been one serving of fruit. noodles or something seems like too much. there's a stall nearby that sells roti. i choose nutella and banana. why? one is bad enough, why both? feel instant regret but try not to dwell.

back to the apartment, headache, nap. wake up later and leave to try one of the nearby indian restaurants. i knew there were a couple nearby so was 'saving' them as easy reliable vegetarian options. as i cross the road i realise there's one whole street of them, more than i could possibly get through, they don't need saving up. a man at the front of the first one ushers me in.

i have no idea what i'm doing in here and it's painfully obvious to everyone. i get a white coffee as i desperately try to figure out what has protein in it. the chala masala is chickpeas (my phone tells me) so i try to order that. he says it's just curry, i need something else, so he suggests a roti and "just one will be enough for you i think". i sickeningly take this as a compliment. he asks mild, medium, spicy? i say spicy and he can't hide pulling a face. honey, just because i'm an idiot don't underestimate my messed up mangled tastebuds.

after the dish arrives i ask for a knife. clearly, even without his amused response, this is the wrong thing to do but i'm trying. i start to cut up the chili peppers that are with the onions on a side dish and he comes over. "this is chili pepper, it's very hot". i feel so underestimated.

finish the dish, i think they maybe gave me medium at best. he asks if it's my first time eating indian and i say yes, acknowledge i was doing everything wrong and ask how i was supposed to do it. with your hands, he says. oops. i order a salted chaas (buttermilk drink) even though i've already had so many liquid calories. i didn't need all this. but i'm trying not to worry.

it was a very heavy meal and i worry. we don't need to talk bathroom talk but long-term eating disorders have a bad impact on all parts of the body, including digestion. the digestive system is one of those things most people don't appreciate as 'use it or lose it', but if you don't use it the gastric muscles weaken and this can have life-altering impacts for some people. i don't have that but restriction, even mildly, means not going to the bathroom for a while. heavier restriction around travel meant after last month's flight meant over a week without going before increasing food intake. this week, same deal. but this meal fixed that. i have a whole separate set of anxieties about my stomach and this makes me worried for tomorrow.

there's a night security guard. i don't know if he's the same one each night, i just see the uniform, but he always opens the door for me and tonight saluted me. sweetheart. when i got back the host was asleep sat upright in a chair again, this time on the balcony. and this continued until around 4am, i was on the living room sofa. he woke up, dazed as ever. he said next time i can wake him up and he would appreciate it.

2022-11-25

(i don't know when this became such a diary-diary, food-anxiety-diary place but that's what it is now. it really is harder than "just eat food", it's been a lifelong struggle)

2022-11-25

wake up late again, it's like past 1pm before i'm ready to go out. i signed up at a gym the other day, went there for the first time yesterday and headed there again today. it's a very kind of casual thrown-together place. there's a 20% women's discount (🙏) but it's all guys there, four or five. arrived and changed and today it's just me and one other person, he was there yesterday too. i start doing what i was doing yesterday, which is to pretend i know what i'm doing.

after a few minutes our paths probably-not-coincidentally cross and he says hi. he's from myanmar, lived here seventeen years, he's friendly and smiley (and ripped). we get to ages and i say mine and he says "wow, when you walk in yesterday i think this girl, 17, 18" 😂 okay we'll get along. he asks how long i'm staying, travelling with anyone etc. he asks if i have a boyfriend, if i'm single. is this guy hitting on me? i think this guy is hitting on me. does he know who i am? this doesn't happen. at this point i can barely keep a smile off my face as i try to do some self-invented workout.

i tell him i'm useless and don't know what i'm doing and he can give me tips and he does. the first thing he does is not-so-transparently have me do squats. over an hour he guides me through different workouts and is very encouraging, and conscious of my limitations. at one point for one of them he touches my stomach, just a finger but that's like the biggest danger zone. arms and legs i am fine with but nobody touches my stomach. but, it was okay. and honestly this guided session was exactly what i needed, i'm so thankful, i'm so self conscious of exercising in front of people and feel so bare with anything and everything about my atrocious and wrecked body that it was really nice. he asks if i'll be back and i say yes. he seems like someone who lives at the gym so we should run into each other which i'm looking forward to.

try to find some street food for "lunch", it's a bit late (5pm) but i try anyway. tried asking at a halal stall but all of their things already have fish mixed in. decide on a salted egg yolk milk tea. it was filling and i could have been fine but decided i should "try" to get something substantial. walk past a maybe-okay noodle place but no that's too heavy. went to the 7-11 and got a plant-based pork sandwhich. they offer to heat it up which is perfect, it stops me falling into the eating-easy-cold-food trap and takes the wrapper out of my hands. i saw a 210, is that for one half or the whole thing? normally i would assume half but it was small and the filling was sweet but not very much so probably the whole thing. that's okay

nap. wake up, work call. start walking to the night market intending to get a ride along the way because it's an hour away and find a tuk-tuk after not too long. find yakisoba at the night market. i chose added cheese, gasp. it's basic and also not the nutrition i'm after, most of the egg white was too liquid to pick up and the "vegetable" part is just iceburg lettuce. but it's okay. and i got a beer from a different stall. afterwards i think i should have something else, i'm trying to get into the idea of "dessert is okay" but (whilst i normally have a mouth of overbearing sweet teeth) wasn't really feeling it. but found some affordable dragon fruit. this is one of my favourites, it's so mellow and light and non-threatening, i haven't noticed any being sold near the apartment but make a note to double check. and i got another beer. i'm trying not to worry about alcohol calories. i've read things about glugagon production and have serious reservations with atwater and generally i'm just trying to not be so neurotic right?? at this point i'm definitely not restricting, it doesn't feel like overindulging, isn't this okay?

earlier in the day i walked through a shopping mall with snoopy merch, and the night market has more. i always take photos, they seem to be everywhere and have a place in my heart and i like the designs.

negotiate a taxi back (tuk-tuk driver wouldn't accept my price but got me his taxi driver friend for it. i don't know how much rides actually should be). and i still have my beer. phone falls out of pocket, oops, it looks fine. get back to the apartment and this is on the table

the lights and AC are off but the balcony door is open (we're on the 24th floor) and it smells like the bag was enjoyed. peek inside the open door of the host's room and he's sat upright, completely passed out. i'm meant to catch up with some work but just click around the internet mindlessly. phone screen is flickering again like the other night, i guess dropping it was bad, oops. download the taxi/ride app, see you can get a motorcycle ride for 1/3-1/4 of the prices i paid, will try that some time. find there's an art fair tomorrow, will try to do that. it's 3am, the host woke up and wandered in in his underwear looking very dazed/confused as i was writing the first paragraph. he struggles to find his phone. opens the front door to check he didn't leave his keys in the lock again (i found them there yesterday). he grabs the very depleted bag of tortilla chips (sorry) and retreats to his room.

i'm not counting calories, except for the places that i am, but i'm definitely eating enough? but still sleeping so much and taking paracetamol+asprin for these headaches.

2022-11-24

found a cafe with wifi and cheap, overly sugary drinks. had one but it was 4pm so didn't feel so bad about it. realised after a couple of hours that it was actually a hostel, i don't know if the cafe area was public butttttt w/e it was there and nobody said anything.

was going to go to a night market but the rain seemed like it wouldn't stop so decided to stay out for dinner instead. went to the food court of a busy shopping centre. even here it's still so difficult to find vegetarian options, especially ones that are nutritionally balanced (i know there's no way i'm getting enough protein). got something that was tofu skins, vegetables, mushrooms. got part way through and worried, actually what is the nutritional content of tofu skin?? it must be fattier if it's the outer part fried in oil?? tried not to worry too much. also ordered a pitcher of chinese tea thinking it would be astringent but it definitely had added sugar.

then on the walk home decided to look inside a 7-11 just to catalogue the vegetarian choices. and saw a hello kitty mochi. and thought okay but i probably haven't eaten enough so it's fine right? there's a big 200 on the front i decide to ignore. eat it, wonder why i bought it, guilt guilt guilt. then i get home feeling guilty but eating something sugary wasn't good. and the person here left an open bag of tortilla chips on the table so i just ... start taking a handful, intermittelntly throughout the night. just a little bit, he won't notice, oops most of the bag. fuck. i'm such an idiot. i would have left to buy something sensible but i still have no guarantee of being able to get back inside. feel very dumb and guilty

2022-11-23

wow i overslept like crazy, i had wanted to deal with some things in the morning but wasn't showered until 1:30pm. ran an errand and it was like 3pm. i had meant to try eating a restaurant lunch alone again but had scheduled something later with someone on bumble and it was a bit close. instead of skipping i got an egg thing and pineapple bread from 7-11.

it got to 7pm and i did a work thing i needed to, texted the guy to make sure "you read the profile properly, right? :)". apparently no and he ghosted me. was already dressed and ready so i picked a bar on maps, 40 minutes away. got outside and there's a massive tropical lightning storm. if i see a tuk-tuk i'll take it. didn't see one for 20 mins at which point i was already soaked through so kept walking.

got to the bar, drenched but at least this (cherry print) dress is black so it doesn't show so much. bar staff are very bemused and sympathetic, provide tissues. phone screen was flickering like crazy for 30 mins but survived a reboot. i don't have any books on this new install yet so downloaded Grimm's Fairytales from Gutenberg and read a few for comfort. there's a white pomeranian running around who is cute. the guy unmatched me without a response. pretty sure his profile said honest and humble x) i have a bottle of soju which i would never get through without external motivation. went to the bathroom before leaving and omg, there are panda eyes and then there was this. it was dreadful

wanted another drink (or another half of one), or at least to walk around a bit more, but also knew i wouldn't be able to handle it without food. i didn't want to eat but also aren't we supposed to be doing better about that?? normally this would be an easy skip but this is one of those blue moon moments where i can force myself and maybe i won't wake up weak this way. went to a taco place, ordered a vegetarian quesadilla and mango margarita. oh and this time i actually sat down first and waited for a menu and it worked. learning to look like a normal human being. nearly left before the menu arrived but decided to go through with it. there was a lot, and also drinking the drink slowly because alcohol makes my stomach hurt (why do I drink?). after finishing the food the waitress gives complimentary tortilla chips "whilst you finish your margarita". somehow i finish all of the drink. and ofc finish the chips. i felt accepting of the meal but of course something pushes it over the edge the unexpected chips.

start the 40 minute walk to the apartment. stomach starts hurting lots half way through, why did i eat. phone keeps skipping to the previous track which is weird, i don't even know if there's a hotkey for that, or if the volume constantly going down to zero is the phone or the headphones. it's still tswift's Midnights, looping because we haven't decided on something new yet. get back to the apartment and the keycard doesn't work on the inner door which is distressing, it's 1am and i know the host is asleep so I wait for someone which takes 10 minutes. get back into the room, these sandals that don't fit my messed up feet have tore into my skin (tried to buy replacements earlier, no luck). stomach ache. need to do santa jam and then day job.

2022-11-22

i shouldn't be so mopey, things are fine i guess. except when i went back to the apartment i got stopped by security, i didn't have a keycard and had to text the person who rents the place. he didn't respond for like three hours and i had scheduled something for work that i missed out on which was annoying.

but i napped and woke up feeling not better but not terrible. when locked out i bought some kind of milk drink thing which made me feel guilty but then didn't eat anything else so it was fine.

still need to santa jam, sheepolution is busy tonight

2022-11-22

i want to go home. but i don't know what home is? i only imagine it's a place with someone else, because that's what i've never experienced.

i don't like the words "nomad" or "traveller". i've never used them or aspired to them, but some people have used them to describe me. i don't relate to them at all. they sound like exploring or adventure or growing.or at least holidaying and relaxing. i'm not doing any of those things.

i'm just lost.

it makes me feel guilty because some people say they wish they were doing it. but they're not, and they're saying that whilst surrounded by their friends and family and pets and homes. and it makes me feel guilty like i'm not meeting expectations that shouldn't be held against me. i'm just a lonely girl with a laptop and a passport, let me be sad

2022-11-22

sat in a restaurant. i think i did it wrong. maybe i was meant to sit down at a table and wait for a menu, which makes sense when i think back, but they had a menu outside so i tried to order at the ... counter?

tried to order scrambled egg and rice curry but it arrived with pork. i didn't explain correctly i guess. she came back and i think tried to say that they only have curry sauce already with pork and beef. she came back a second time with a phone and translate app that said "you don't eat meat". yes. she tried to explain the curry situation again but i tried to ask "anything without meat?". eventually she got it and pointed to vegetarian yakisoba on the menu. i pointed and smiled and she smiled genuinely so hopefully i haven't troubled her.

it arrived with chopsticks, which i know how to use. how? i don't know. for the last, i don't know, four or something years i've eaten everything with a fork or spoon. i would only ever use a paring knife to prepare fruit or vegetables before eating.

i only ate because i felt so tired walking but now i feel full and guilty and sleepy. i need to walk back and start work in two hours because of something scheduled.

i'm confused

2022-11-21

feel bad. slept all day. i don’t know. it was 11am and i had showered but my eyes felt heavy and i just slept and slept. it’s 7am now and tried to do the tiny bit of day job i need to do before the afternoon but just very sad and achy and heavy.

going to shower and force myself outside as soon as this work task is done but everything is difficult and i feel alone and sad.

need to do santa jam tasks, we keep delaying announcing which isn’t all on me but i feel terrible about it.

the person i’m staying with is strange to talk to. and he has no toilet paper or hand soap. he makes two eggs for breakfast and then some kind of thing that involves cooking some kind of protein powder and protein shake in a pan and then goes out to the balcony to smoke. i’m scared of being judged for having stayed in bed for two days even though i don’t care what he thinks?

have been listening to infected mushroom because i put on this video which is very teenage-vibes and it went on to play more. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTMuAcFIqfY

but i’ve just been dazed and time has just passed, i don’t know, i still need to figure out what to do about food or whatever. water is good though.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKgoo_KT6aM

2022-11-20

Watched two and a half films. the first was My Best Friend's Breakfast. a young girl's parents break up and she ends up turning to food for comfort, and hallucinates an older heavier version of herself raiding the fridge in the middle of the night . yes, trust me accidentally pick a film about disordered eating immediately. it wasn't really about that though, she only has a fear of a future that is completely detached from the present, it's mostly a love story about a boy who leaves breafast for the best friend of the protagonist every day, but the protagonist is the one who eats them for a year and there's some love triangle stuff. there's a running theme of these 15 year old saying/seeing "where will we be in fifteen years". which is a biiiiiiiiiit too close to home. but it was fun, the ending made me cry. the boy the protagonist likes teaches her guitar which is like my textbook in-head romanticism :')

Then there was: Septet: The Story of Hong Kong which is an anthology of shorts from seven directors each making a short about their view or relationship with or history of Hong Kong. i fell asleep durign the middle, it seemed good and there were running themes related to hierarchies, roles, obedience that were interesting. maybe too abstract in a way i found hollow.

The last was Upcoming Summer, I only saw part because the flight ended. It was a romance where a girl has to repeat her final year of school because she after a boy broke up with her she ran out into the rain and got ill before her entrace exams. Except when she arrives in class there's another student repeating, the boy she claimed had broke up with her, whom she hadn't met before - her story was a lie. They're both a bit rebellious and he is very much interested in a real relationship. Themes of depression. would have happily watched the rest

finished reading Busy Doing Nothing but wasn't sure what to do after, I hadn't planned and downloaded a new book and the tablet is disorganised. tried to pick up Strange Weather in Tokyo which i read the first 1/3rd of in april. i was enjoying it and it still seemed enjoyable but i might have to start over instead. or maybe it will just be one of those ruined things where you get a bit too far in to continue but it's too much to start over. i was at the part after they all start foraging for mushrooms, coyly acknowledging that some mushrooms are hallucinogenic and wondering aloud if they might have accidentally picked some as though they're not fully aware of what they're doing.

food is weird. feels like everyone is a "foodie" which i am the total antithesis of. in the last eight years i've eaten at restaurants exactly three times (all work related) and have not ordered takeout or anything. before this march this year i could not stand to eat in public, to be seen eating, and definitely could not have eaten something i didn't know the weight and content of. and had not eaten hot food for two and a half years. this year hasn't been better but just different in those areas. but anyways

during flight check-in there was a meal selection option. most of me wanted to ignore it and then on the plane just be like "oooh it has meat in it haha oops never mind no thank you". but, i picked one out, "vegetarian oriental" out of a few different choices. in person i had this re-confirmed three separate times which i found strange. in my head there was this idea that half of the plane would be selecting a specific meal but there were very few others, only one in sight of me. not eating meat is entirely unrelated to disorder but maybe disorder warps my perspective.

shortly after departure they gave out a little bag of mixed nuts + rice crackers. i didn't know if i would eat this but after fifteen minutes chose to. and then the meal came immediately after. which made me feel guilty about the crackers. this was maybe an hour after boarding, there was a delay so i lost sense of time. the "special meals" came first but i couldn't possibly be seen eating whilst others aren't so i waited until the people around me got theirs. it made me think about whether this is like eating a "restaurant meal", not really but it's hot and served. the small separated servings and tiny cutlery was good for my brain. part of why i'm not a "foodie" at all is because even though i can cook i have no sense of positive feelings towards food so I don't know how to describe it. it was seasoned and fine and makes me think jokes about airline food are inappropriate if this was the standard. there was rice and vegetables and sauce. i have a big worry about accidentally being served meat which even the multiple reconfirmations didn't placate. i got worried about what was actually mushroom. i tried my hardest not to feel bad about eating it and think it worked. normally i wouldn't eat before or during travel at all so this was strange.

but then an hour before landing there was a second meal. this worried me. two cooked, indeterminately sized meals eight hours apart? i didn't feel positive about this one but knew i wouldn't be eating after so tried to let my thoughts subside. these kind of moments of anguish aren't so bad these days, if someone serves or offers something I can usually accept where before it would cause nothing short of a breakdown. the meal was similar except this time the meat-worry-part of the rice was what turned out to be firm grilled tofu. also each meal came with a bread roll and some sunflower oil. i could have turned those away but ate those too. after waiting extra long for the other passengers arrived i still ended up "pacing myself" against the girl next to me. but she didn't finish each of her meals where i did. she was petite and tiny and i felt extra giant again.

that meal was at 3pm, it's 5am now and i didn't eat which i think makes yesterday balanced, i don't know, i'm trying not to think about it. every time i go somewhere i think about how i should eat out for meals, i could even use it as portion control to avoid storing anything indoors, but it hasn't worked out. maybe here i can try. i keep thinking about the word ""foodie"", how it's on every dating app profile, how food dominates all of them and it's a world i just totally don't relate to. and having meals in front of me i wondered, what if i role played a "foodie" alone? and just pretended like it's not the most distressing thing in the world? the same way i role play someone who sleeps, someone social and bubbly, someone cheerful. talking to the friends i'm meeting next month the first thing they did was talk about where to good, restaurants they want to go to, is fish meat? (yes.) i had briefly mentioned i have food issues to one of them a year ago, but people forget quickly (oh you still have an eating disorder?) so i didn't bring it back up. So that worries me. i half-purposely put this month in as a stop-gap, a practice session for things i want to improve and be better at. last month was the first place i didn't mention food issues at all, normally i give at least a brief heads up because i inevitably get fucking weird but it wouldn't be on their radar at all so i didn't. and that month was two weeks of fasting followed by a week of binging packs of biscuits and a week of sneaking cereal in the middle of the night. four weeks is always too long, i can last two before this brain feels too comfortable and starts to stir new shit up. i wish booking less than four weeks at places was affortable.

i need to go to a 7-11 to buy a different sim card with unlimited data because this apartment has no wifi which i didn't realise and is a problem for work. i don't know if i will buy food there. or if i will actually try to eat out for one. it's one of those things that feels like it would be easier with some kind of stable support that isn't there. last year when i was speaking to a friend regularly (long distance), i still hadn't eaten hot food for over a year and wanted to suggest like "hey what if we both ordered food and had a movie night or something?". like it would have been easier to deal with the thought of eating with someone, and at that time of not being able to eat in public felt like maybe that one trusted person was the only chance to try it. but now i could probably eat with anyone, externally making it through even if internally it's still a torment.

it's still 5am (and some minutes) and my stomach is at the point where it feels good-not-full, difficult to start again, which is what led to the fasting last month. it might be too hot here to skip multiple days again, my body can't handle it could as a teen and i get ill on the third or fourth day. i don't know, i don't know very much of anything.

2022-11-19

they have to phone immigration about a thing so waiting. this is fine probably

2022-11-19

slept 12:30am-2:30am. the dogs took the floor and bottom bunk so i took the top. managed to send parcels. phone started boot looping which isn’t nice three hours before leaving with it having tickets and vaccination records etc. but found a new rom and maps and pay and everything all works.

the best way to blog is ssh and a tmx session through your phone.

want to play the “how many times can we listen to Midnights on a journey” but it’s not on the phone anymore. because i destroyed the phone. i’m the problem it’s me.

2022-11-18

more pups. five. mother and all seem healthy and happy

2022-11-18

today was hectic. woke up at 7:30am without having gone to sleep and was like “wasn’t i supposed to do something?”. appointment the next town over at 9:30am. made it in time. xmas shopped after for hoursssss. also bought some clothes for myself. two dresses, a pair of jeans in a charity shop for £3.50 fuck yeah, some tights that probably won’t fit. wasn’t sure what to get my coworker. all i really knew was i wanted to get something xmas themed for her dog. he’s been a “problem dog” and she’s been ‘’gently suggested to’’ multiple times over the last year by a bunch of people to give him up which is so awful. but she totally loves him and sticks by him which i admire so much, and wanted something that would validate and reinforce the concept of him as the family she loves. found one of those things shaped like an xmas stocking that has treats inside. also got her an Attack on Titan calendar bc she’s into that, and My Solo Exchange Diary. wasn’t so sure about that one but she and I and Kabi share a lot of anxieties and worries so thought maybe it will be relatable, and it has pretty art.

tried booking a train. tomorrow will probably be a disaster. like every time i go from A to B.

painted my toes. a few months ago was maybe the second, third time i had done it ever bc i don’t really like to think about my gross feet. but like damn you actually get some good mileage out of them?? and i bought sandals and slippers today so will try to keep on top of them.

wrapping presents is really enjoyable for me. i don’t have positive ““family memories”” or w/e but xmas shopping was the same every year. my grandmother, cousin, and I would pick a saturday in december and go out for the day buying everything, with a list of each family member to buy for. and she would try to make us stick to a budget of £10 per person even though we always wanted to spend more. then we would go back to the house and sit on the living room floor for hours as we wrapped. and my cousin and I would always have to stealthily wrap our grandmother’s (but i usually ended up having her pick out a book she would like on the day, and then would get her something pig-themed later. that was her thing).

my wrapping always sucked but i’m good at it now. and even though i never learnt to wrap from her (like, my wrapping didn’t improve whilst wrapping alongside her) look at the things i’ve wrapped and feel like they look like she’s done them.

one of those is a bottle of ranch! normally i wouldn’t buy food for someone but she used to live in the states and said the other day that she’s been debating buying an imported bottle for a while, and i found an import candy place that had a bottle! (and some red vines which a few years ago she said she loves). it’s kinda weird only getting things for two people, but i think i did it well. i had fun picking everything at least.

it’s like nearly midnight and i haven’t started packing at all, the rest of the day took so much time.

really bad food guilt, bad behaviours, worst person.. and i chose the clothes i did knowing that i should be restricting successfully next week and that i can’t possibly wear them otherwise. which will be totally fine i’m not worried not at all.

2022-11-17

this phoneeeee aaaagggghh they take up so much time. the two things that made me turn to strongly saying 'i hate computers' were routers and phones, so much time spent on not very little. now i have something that seems to not lag yet and has maps, but no contactless payments. it's enough.

did santa CSS. we're still adding in a thing for leaving the jam and sheepolution said there's no rush. but i feel bad about it because i probably won't be able to touch it again until monday at the earliest.

2022-11-16

Time was strange today. was definitely busy but the day got so lost. had a call with a couple of friends i'm meeting in december, they're so lovely, it was nice to finally speak face to face and i'm excited to spend time with them. a two/three hour call with a coworker. santa jam things in the evening. we're announcing tomorrow which is a bit late but I hope people are happy to see it back.

–food guilt–

lots of sister's xmas presents arrived today. i flipped through Super-Dimensional Love Gun and omg that thing is on a whole other level. i might get put on a list sending it to a 17yr old. i'm not a horror reader at all, i haven't read much out of pop stuff but didn't find junji ito very enticing and his art a little ... flat, maybe? idk. but Kago's art is so vivid and visceral, it looks to me how it feels other people interpret Ito. the illustrations in the Grimm book i got as a substitute for the one that kept being cancelled are beautiful, I hope she finds something in it.

tried formatting my phone since it's been slow, trying older versions of android. it's such a pain, no installation gets everything working. just trying to get a combination of maps + wallet.

–food guilt–

2022-11-15

new word from a coworker

deciduous
adjective

  1. Shedding or losing foliage at the end of the growing season.
  2. Falling off or shed at a specific season or stage of growth.
  3. Of or relating to the primary teeth.
2022-11-14

kind of started touching the gfx things again, putting in the support for render targets. but it's all very scary. it's going slowly. sheepolution did some more of his part for santa jam prep so all we optionally need to do is improve the design of the website. which i would like to do tomorrow but that's scary too

i am fucking freaking out about food in an unreal way and it’s stressing me tf out. looking forward to leaving here away from what is free to take, and to have a solid 48 hour block of no eating to travel and crossing every finger and toe and anything else that bends hoping that is a reset that sticks

made a LINE account today. in love with my avatar. add meeee

2022-11-13

Changed the way multi-part markdown files are parsed so with conflicting titles they respect the order of entry in the file.

The place I’m staying for a month from next weekend needs proof-of-exit as a visa requirement so this morning I booked everything up until the middle of January. perhaps never have been so prepared. the inflexibility scares me. but it’s done. if anybody wants to share bunk beds in december in a strange place there’s a level going spare. you can have the top bunk*

*is that the one people like? years ago and i did a video project for the uk’s independent prison standards body and when filming on site the person showing us around said the top bunk is preferred because you can’t get peed on. but i don’t think that’s a risk here.

I needed to figure out my sister's xmas stuff before leaving so spent a bit of the day trying to think and find nice things. i'm happy with the selection!

  • Rhodia dot grid journal. I don't know if she has thought about or tried bullet journaling, and I think it kind of hit its vogue a couple of years ago but a nice journal is timeless, and a dot grid is always useful. I would have rather gotten her my preferred brand but the shipping time too long.
  • Sakura Pigma fineliners and Tombow Fudenosuke brush pens. The fineliners are solid and also the black and gold edition I've never seen before, they look nice for a gift. The hard version of the Fudenosuke is my favourite pen and is very versatile so I'd like her to be able to try it.
  • Ohuhu brush pens. Wasn't sure about these, I want to encourage her to reach for colour if she feels like it but there are so many different types and palette options that I didn't want to go straight for a specific expensive set. Going to see if she likes these and let her know that I can get her some alcohol markers if she wants to explore illustration in that way.
  • Super-Dimensional Love Gun by Shintarō Kago. She liked the Junji Ito collection I got for her birthday and asked where she could get more so fingers crossed she enjoys this!
  • Pretty Deadly, Vol 1 by Kelly Sue DeConnick. I wanted to get her something full colour, so kinda had to be western, and also wanted to find something by a woman, something strong and confident and with the means to inspire. I'm going to read this one myself in the week but it looks like a good pick.
  • Grimm's Fairy Tales, illustrated. It was hard finding a nice one that isn't leather!! But the words are more important. She might already have these, if she hasn't, she should :) So worth it juuuust in case

I never get excited buying myself things but fuck i love being an adult and having the means to provide for people. I'm excited!! have an appointment in town on friday so going to walk around and see if I can get some fun stickers or jewelery or something to throw in too

2022-11-13

omgggg

2022-11-12

we're hiding from the fireworks, listening to glee songs and reading.

he is possibly the worst smelling dog i've lived with. but, he's he. it's been five days and a few hours since the pup died and i still feel guilty like i should have been able to do something.

2022-11-12

Wrote the poem formatter and some site file directory structure things (this log now lives at /diary.md and outputs to the /diary/ directory). Started trying to tidy the gfx things that got left last weekend or last week or whenever that was. It's so distant and now confusing.

Read the first story of Buddha's Crystal and Other Fairy Stories. It was maybe a bit lost on me. also very culturally weird reminder that "respects their parents" is an especially valued trait by some.

2022-11-11

thinking this morning about social media accounts and how I only hadn't deleted this last one because of wanting to save some of the content. Its Media Library (a log of all image and video uploads) had already been scraped a few months ago, but I wanted to save all bookmarked posts. so wrote a script to go through and save each link and remove it. it was all finished by afternoon. so that account is gone now.

social media is weird. i found that site valuable a couple of years ago. it was my only lifeline out. I would see lots of people calling it doom and awful (whilst still using it), but my experience was different. I would always scroll through feeds of different tags, most recent first, and find people who looked nice and interesting and would compliment their art, would message some of them and try to make connections. Making the connections was difficult. to find people who were sincere about making personal connections, not just promoting. it's not that the people were insincere people, but one of the problems of a site like that when being sincere is being recognised as sincere - anyone reaching out might only be another promoter looking for more eyes.

i made connections and had a pool of people to message semi-regularly, a couple of people seemed very close. but going through ups and downs in life, the connections never lasted. that worth as a person would always be tied to artistic output, or at least stability or consistency. that in the minority of cases that went beyond art, I'm still the same piece of shit incapable of being a good thing for someone else's life. connections didn't last. support never felt right. i wasn't capable of supporting anybody else either. For the last year that site has only been a feed of pretty art, and a place to talk to myself out loud. both of those things can be achieved in other ways.

it kind of sucks, feeling again like nothing will ever last or work out, no connections leading to stability for any party, no sense of grounding outside of being a productive person. i don't know what to do or how to find anyone. similar social networks haven't worked out. irc was always distant and is now dead. mastodon, i was on an active and friendly instance a few years ago but that eventually shut down which feels inevitable for most of them. cohost? i can't see how you're meant to find anyone new there. but the underlying problem is still that i can't offer anything to anyone, can't be a good friend or supportive entity in a life.

maybe the best thing to do is talk to myself through diary, and only reach out in specific places and to specific communities when i have productivity to show. and keep crazy to myself, in this little corner of the world. since worth has proved impossible to define in anything less than the pain of producing output.

let us fall in love

so when i die fast and young

you are old and alone

2022-11-10

Slept so strangely last night. It was mostly not dreaming but hallucinating, like i’ve only experienced when deliriously ill. I remember being in a bedroom and deciding that I needed to overexecise because of food guilt. I grabbed the bars of a bed in the room I was in, to do something physical. but then whilst my arms were rigid my legs started floating, I was kind of flying but tethered. And then I could sort of see into ‘space’, into the clouds above. It wasn’t dreaming dreaming. It was like being awake and when you shut your eyes tightly you start to see different shapes. Those were clouds and if I opened my eyes (I think physically irl) I would lose them. And I started seeing these weird galaxies through the clouds in space (?)

It changed a few times. At one point I was in a strange bedroom, I had just moved somewhere new, it seemed like a small studio in Japan. But I was consciously trying to recall how I got there and had no memory of where I had stayed previously (i.e. the place I’m currently staying irl). It was very distressing. still didn’t feel like a dream, but very conscious.

There was a dream part after, I was in some kind of big shared house. I had food guilt and went to c/s something and found a lighter in the bin, but it had a flame and there was a tissue in there on fire. I put it out and started showing everyone this lighter that kept turning itself on intermittently with a very small flame telling them all “It could have started a fire!!” and I very desperately wanted to dispose of it safely but didn’t know how. i think this is guilt from falling asleep with a candle lit the other night.

irl/hallucination again, I felt a pet jump on the bed and sit on my chest, cat sized. It didn’t seem like sleep paralysis. I was conscious enough to think it through and thought it must be the smaller dog who lives here, but opened my eyes and there was nothing. It was 5am, the last time i had been aware of was waking up around 02:30am and making coffee.

i don't think I did anything today. i don't know. it's been dominated by obsessive compulsion. i read some more of the book but am yearning for some fiction, but have been indecisive picking something new.

i went two weeks barely having more than 3-400kcal a day, on the days where i ate anything, and now i keep eating these stupid biscuits and drinking coffee with milk and honey and it’s driving me completely crazy.

2022-11-09

recent weeks have been a big struggle and i was restricting ((so ‘’successfully’’)) but, without incriminating anyone, the owner of the place i’m staying at quite literally stole a lorry load of biscuits and keeps offering entire packs to people to take. and i finally started having some the other night and they’re plaguing my existence now

kind of lost today, anxieties. i kept thinking about food and wanted to escape to the library but had to stay in for a parcel and kept thinking about food.

i know i typed things but i can't recall any of it. i think i just committed the wip web framework pieces? and finished writing the deployment. things go straight to the server now.

2022-11-08

Set up the staging server for the santa website. Deployment, making things public, really is not a strength and I worry about doing things wrong in ways that affect people. The web framework is increasingly mature. Errors are still obtuse and difficult to track down. Asked sheepolution how the letters are hashed in the database and ran a test to get them displaying on the web which is nice. It needs some front end design that I'm struggling with.

Thinking about having to move again next weekend and getting increasingly anxious. This happens a lot, getting scared of everything that can go wrong and all the scenarios where I might interfere with a new place in a negative way and cause damage to a place I selfishly interjected myself in. And never going 'to' anything, anybody, only a roof and four walls makes me sadder at some times than others.

Drowning in tasks. I'm working at a faster than usual (still very slow) pace for this year but there are lots of things.

2022-11-07

Good santa work today. Added the user flow, created all of the database things for an authorised user and have comms working with the other side, the Discord bot that actually runs the event. Just need to finish off with some front-end javascript to display the state to the user and then we can focus on the design.

Started reading Busy Doing Nothing by Rekka and Devine. Have put off reading any of their content for a long time, it would make me too sad, but got caught up reading the logs of their first voyage. They've been on my mind since I first heard about them right when they started. The lifestyle, the changes and trials and state of material attachment appeal to me in a lot of ways, but what they really represent is something that drives so much of my anxiety and fears through life: complete and utter faith, trust, and dependence on another human being.

Whenever I think about loneliness I don't think so much about the state of being alone, but the possibility of never escaping it. Of not finding another soul to invest in and grow with, alongside. The fear grows more intense as time goes on, as 30s creep rapidly closer. 30s aren't an age where people discover their new thing, it's where people start their second phase. Of having grown, eliminating what hurts and seeing what what works and integrating their new phase of life with another person's new phase. What happens when you've never hit your first 'phase', and the pool of other similar people grows smaller and smaller and you're fated to be wandering, searching, never finding?

It's something that is constantly invasive in my mind. It causes suffering within, but also affects potential relationships. Relationships that aren't immediately that get devalued and rejected like some repulsive optimisation of something not achieving 'The Goal'. It's gross and hurts others and makes me feel guilty, the inability to be caring and reciprocating in ways I would like, causing undue pain to undeserving people.

This might be the first time I've felt able to face the physicality and disruption of a lifestyle that is so changing, which makes the anxieties increase, knowing there is a trickling hourglass running down towards a time when these possibilities and health and circumstance might not exist.

But the book is nice.

Pup from the weekend passed today. She had been responding better and it’s unusual for one to turn in the way she did at that age, around eleven weeks. She went to a vet who tried what they could but to an unfortunate end. Mood dampening. I feel guilty.

2022-11-06

Worked more on the santa website. Now have a user flow going to authenticate a user with Discord, check against the SANTA-BOT records to see if that user is participating in the jam and sign them up if not.

There's an annoying bug (?) with the pgsql driver for Apache where apr_dbd_get_row doesn't return a number of rows if you try and invoke it with asynchronous access (faster than the alternative random access). The docs say that flag is meant to be ignored if random access isn't supported but doesn't say much otherwise. I don't know if it is a bug or I misunderstand how it works, but the last time I used Postgres (four years ago) there was the same thing.

Fell asleep at 2am, woke up at 5am and did an hour of work that was going well. And then went downstairs and there was an unattended sick puppy in the living room so I sat with her until the household was awake. It was four hours and she wasn’t doing well but that made the day pretty long and tired. In the evening an adult dog got terrified of the fireworks and I spent another hour or so comforting him.

2022-11-05

Game toolkit gfx might all be in the place they need to be except for render targets so started doing that, but then distraction hit. It's that time of year. One call to sheepolution later and it's Santa Jam time. We're going to do some things with the website. We research and I planned most of the implementation for some Discord integration and it's looking/feeling good.

Changed some things with the web framework so the authorisation functions for API endpoints can receive more information about their invocation (endpoint, method etc).

2022-11-04

Finished the book. It ended with a beginning, for the main character in her early 30s, which is sweet in its way. Made small touches to the WIP graphics work and might be able to tidy it at the weekend. Updated some dependency repos for the font build step on Windows. Small web tweaks still.

Bad food days are coming back. Fireworks were terrible, they’re scary enough usually but I was tending to two dogs here whilst their carer was in the other room with his girlfriend.

Wear domain names like they're seasonal outfits.

2022-11-03

More web, added something to the build system to add insertion of books being read. Figured out something with the game toolkit graphics, i don't know what but it's going to be workable.

2022-11-02

Slow day, very cold. Wrote the things for injecting markdown bodies into an html file for these updates (see: diary.md). Read more of The Nakano Thrift Shop by Hiromi Kawakami and finished reading The Lost Logbook from Hundredrabbits.

Ate more than double today of any of the last 12 combined at 750kcal. This doesn’t feel dire yet.

2022-11-01

A new month with the same problems. Graphics programming. Again unhappy with the inflexibility I can't resolve in any attempt at a render and batching system, so we're back again. It's been nearly a week. There are slow ... changes. is it progress? I don't really know. Things are being written.

Have been sitting in a nearby library. It's helping my brain a little bit but not enough, still barely whirring and going a bit crazy.

Low restriction is getting less low. Porridge, apple, two sachets of soup. Surprisingly not going totally crazy.